Still got a proper horror movie review I need to write up for my usual thread (spoilers: it's for a low-budget indie Saw knock-off), but had to finally cut off a former friend today for being a POS and I'm feeling too angry and depressed to do it now, so instead here's a dumb little thing I totally didn't rip off a Tumblr post I saw once: assigning ratings to horror movies based entirely on how accurate the title was.
The Thing: The gold standard for accurate horror movie titles. That sure was a Thing. 10/10
Friday the 13th: Most of it does indeed take place on Friday the 13th, but the very last scene takes place on the 14th, and a good chunk of the film takes place at night so I don't know if we can be completely sure the clock didn't tick over to midnight in there. 8/10.
Weapons: There's a gun involved in the climax, a machine gun during a dream sequence, and a handful of improvised weapons throughout, but mostly it's just people beating the shit out each other with their bare hands. 6/10.
Hellraiser: Hell stays at its usual elevation for the duration of the film, but I'll give it a point because Doug Bradley's Pinhead voice definitely makes something rise whenever I hear it. 1/10.
Wish Upon: This one's actually a little tricky. The protag does indeed wish upon that thing a bunch of times, but then she pulls the "I wish I never found the evil wish-granting demon box" card at the end of the movie, so technically in the new timeline she didn't wish upon it at all, but it still kills her so I guess the old timeline still counts a little? Splitting the difference and giving it a 5/10.
Tremors: The ground shakes and a lot of other things shake too for good measure. 10/10.
I Know What You Did Last Summer: I mean, he did definitely know about the time they ran over a guy and then threw him in the ocean, but that really only means he knows what they did for a couple hours on one particular night last summer, which percentage-wise isn't all that much. 3/10.
As Above So Below: Not even close. Below is a bunch of dusty catacombs full of deadly booby-traps and demonic forces conjuring specters of your own guilt to entrap and kill you, and above is Paris, which is arguably worse but still clearly not the same thing. 0/10.
Imaginary: Nope, the killer teddy bear is very much real, and unfortunately so was the money I paid to watch this shit. 0/10.
Final Destination: In the literal sense, the plane very emphatically does not reach its final destination, on account of exploding. In the figurative sense, a great many characters do in fact reach the final destination they're ever going to arrive at throughout the film, but two of the main characters are still alive by the ending (technically three because the movie ends right before the sign hits the jock), so I still can't give full marks. 7/10.
Halloween Kills: I mean, I guess a lot of kills do happen on Halloween, but Halloween itself doesn't kill anyone in this movie - it's mostly just the one guy in the William Shatner mask. 3/10.
Cube: You would not believe how many fucking cubes there are in this movie. They even arranged them all into one big mega-cube, just to maximize the amount of cube per movie. 10/10.
Don't Breathe: With the exception of the guy who gets shot right at the start, all characters are breathing in the majority of their scenes. 0/10.
Heretic: I mean, I'd personally describe him more as an insufferable Reddit atheist with a murder-house, but the dictionary defines heresy as a belief or opinion contrary to orthodox doctrine, so I've got no grounds to deduct anything. 10/10.
Lights Out: While the lights aren't out for the entire movie, they are out for a significant portion, mostly because everyone keeps flicking them off and on to see if the murderous shadow demon will keep getting closer every time. 5/10.
Talk to Me: They sure do. 10/10.
Skillhouse: There is at least a house, but absolutely no skill was involved in this movie, either in-universe or in real life. 4/10, and you'd better believe this is the highest rating I'll ever give Skillhouse on anything.
Might do more of these another time, idk, or if anyone else wants to rank any, feel free.
The Thing: The gold standard for accurate horror movie titles. That sure was a Thing. 10/10
Friday the 13th: Most of it does indeed take place on Friday the 13th, but the very last scene takes place on the 14th, and a good chunk of the film takes place at night so I don't know if we can be completely sure the clock didn't tick over to midnight in there. 8/10.
Weapons: There's a gun involved in the climax, a machine gun during a dream sequence, and a handful of improvised weapons throughout, but mostly it's just people beating the shit out each other with their bare hands. 6/10.
Hellraiser: Hell stays at its usual elevation for the duration of the film, but I'll give it a point because Doug Bradley's Pinhead voice definitely makes something rise whenever I hear it. 1/10.
Wish Upon: This one's actually a little tricky. The protag does indeed wish upon that thing a bunch of times, but then she pulls the "I wish I never found the evil wish-granting demon box" card at the end of the movie, so technically in the new timeline she didn't wish upon it at all, but it still kills her so I guess the old timeline still counts a little? Splitting the difference and giving it a 5/10.
Tremors: The ground shakes and a lot of other things shake too for good measure. 10/10.
I Know What You Did Last Summer: I mean, he did definitely know about the time they ran over a guy and then threw him in the ocean, but that really only means he knows what they did for a couple hours on one particular night last summer, which percentage-wise isn't all that much. 3/10.
As Above So Below: Not even close. Below is a bunch of dusty catacombs full of deadly booby-traps and demonic forces conjuring specters of your own guilt to entrap and kill you, and above is Paris, which is arguably worse but still clearly not the same thing. 0/10.
Imaginary: Nope, the killer teddy bear is very much real, and unfortunately so was the money I paid to watch this shit. 0/10.
Final Destination: In the literal sense, the plane very emphatically does not reach its final destination, on account of exploding. In the figurative sense, a great many characters do in fact reach the final destination they're ever going to arrive at throughout the film, but two of the main characters are still alive by the ending (technically three because the movie ends right before the sign hits the jock), so I still can't give full marks. 7/10.
Halloween Kills: I mean, I guess a lot of kills do happen on Halloween, but Halloween itself doesn't kill anyone in this movie - it's mostly just the one guy in the William Shatner mask. 3/10.
Cube: You would not believe how many fucking cubes there are in this movie. They even arranged them all into one big mega-cube, just to maximize the amount of cube per movie. 10/10.
Don't Breathe: With the exception of the guy who gets shot right at the start, all characters are breathing in the majority of their scenes. 0/10.
Heretic: I mean, I'd personally describe him more as an insufferable Reddit atheist with a murder-house, but the dictionary defines heresy as a belief or opinion contrary to orthodox doctrine, so I've got no grounds to deduct anything. 10/10.
Lights Out: While the lights aren't out for the entire movie, they are out for a significant portion, mostly because everyone keeps flicking them off and on to see if the murderous shadow demon will keep getting closer every time. 5/10.
Talk to Me: They sure do. 10/10.
Skillhouse: There is at least a house, but absolutely no skill was involved in this movie, either in-universe or in real life. 4/10, and you'd better believe this is the highest rating I'll ever give Skillhouse on anything.
Might do more of these another time, idk, or if anyone else wants to rank any, feel free.
